Oh hello there again...
TLDR; life has been a lot and I fell behind on a lot
Happy Pride Month! Just reviving this newsletter with a little writing I told at a queer storytelling hour in Chicago a few months ago:
How do I even begin? I’m a person who is used to chaos & toxicity in my relationships. My last long-term relationship was with an “empath” who turned out to be a narcissist. After that relationship ended, I spent a little over a year going to my Zoom therapy and working on myself, for once in my life. Now I find myself in one of the most healing, comforting and secure relationships I’ve ever been in in my life. Am I having a wonderful time with this person? Absolutely. Am I having an easy time? Absolutely not. It has been one of the hardest things. Nobody really talks about that. About the good relationships you have after really awful ones.
There have been a couple moments (well maybe more than a couple), where I created a scenario in my head based off of something they have said. I am a Cancer sun so of course I was a moody bitch about it. My brain was basically telling myself, “this person is going to pack up and leave you”. And it gets to a breaking point where I have a little outburst. Of course none of this was true and I was blowing things out of proportion. And it only contributes to this shameful cycle of “oh wow you look like a crazy bitch”. Because that’s all I heard from people like my ex. But there’s something that breaks that cycle. It’s the response that my partner has. The “I love you”s and the “I care about you”s. The “I’m not leaving you”s. This person sees me acting out and still loves me? And I find myself not knowing what to do with that at first. I was so used to chaos that I found myself creating chaos for no reason.
There are also moments when my partner gets on my nerves. So I prepare myself for telling them that something they did upset me. And the response is “Wow, I’m sorry. I will work on that and do better”. And I’m like “oh… okay”. Like what am I supposed to do with that? I practiced a whole defense in front of my shampoo bottles! That’s it??? You don’t want to turn this around on me and tell me I’m selfish or something? It can be so disorienting to feel security and it surprises me that I feel that way.
But this gave me space to have a voice. This was hard at first because nobody has ever even asked me. I found myself talking more than I ever have. Talking about my mental illness. What I’ve been through and what I need to feel secure. What I’m into. And it’s bloomed into this place of security where I can fully say “This is who I am”.